Can You Fix A Warped Record?

There’s nothing more frustrating than buying a brand-new sealed record, unwrapping it, and placing it on your turntable to find it is warped. Okay, there are more frustrating things, but it ranks up there with scratches in the record-buying world. I’ve had this happen to me on three to four occasions in the last couple of years; two were of the 180-gram variety. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because of the extra time it takes for the record to cool down after being pressed. That additional time may cause unequal cooling. Thus warpage. Fun. They may still be playable, but I make it a point not to look at the tonearm ride the warp waves. It makes me seasick to watch.

Will a slight warp hurt my stylus? No. It won’t. A bad warp easily could. And by bad, I mean a warp that causes the stylus to surrender the fight and jump out of the groove. I imagine it would be like walking a straight line during an earthquake.

In all my years of collecting, I’ve only had one of my records become warped to the point it was unplayable. It was my vintage copy of ZZ Top’s Eliminator. How it happened is a mystery. A couple of decades ago, there was a short period where it was in storage, and it might have happened then, but nothing else in the storage crate had been affected. I still shake my head over that one. Since it was basically a useless piece of plastic at that point, I tried a couple of things to flatten it. When it became apparent that no effort on my part could reverse the mysterious warp, I tossed it aside and replaced it. I held onto the warped record as a testing disc should a miracle cure come along. I’ve tried many. As a result, it’s slightly less warped than it had been, but it’s still unplayable. I also think there’s now a strange object embedded permanently in the middle of “Got Me Under Pressure”. Ironic.

An Expert In Name Only

If there’s one thing I’m an expert in, it’s useless knowledge. I can tell you how fast the Millennium Falcon is. I can also tell you about the incestuous history between Black Sabbath and Deep Purple. I’d bore you to tears with how long I can talk about it. If they passed out doctorates in useless knowledge, I’d be well on my way. If you come across a warped record, the smartest thing to do is to mourn it, give it a respectful burial, and replace it. It’s difficult. I have an almost physical aversion to tossing a record away. I even have a hard time handling a “dead” record improperly. I have a prop record for videos because it’s in such terrible shape that it no longer matters how I hold it. Putting my fingers on its groove still feels wrong, even though the surface itself is as scarred as Freddy Krueger’s face. I’ll save how it got that way for another day.

My point is once a record is unplayable, it has given up the ghost. Its soul is gone. There’s no “pet cemetery” for a warped record, so don’t try to bring it back. Like my ZZ Top record, the reason for a record’s demise might be a mystery or for several known reasons. Being too close to a heat source is one. Being left for hours in a car that’s spent too much time in the sun is another. Stacking records like a tower can do so as well. It has to do with the pressure being placed on the bottom records. How the warp occurs is not rocket science. Unwarping it is. Think of it like putting an egg back in its shell after breaking it. I’m not saying it’s impossible. Nothing is impossible except settling the argument about who shot first, Han or Greedo? Han did in the original version of Star Wars. History has been rewritten, but you still can’t change the past.

Diamonds and Warps Are Forever

Do a Google search, and you’ll find many articles, posts, and Reddit responses on how to fix a warped record. I’ve tried all of them on Eliminator except for one, which I’ll get to. You’ll read you can do so by putting it under a stack of books for a few days or weeks. This has zero effect on a bad warp. I could have had an elephant stand on it for a week, and it would still be unplayable. A very slight warp? Maybe. But make sure your record is clean and in a protective sleeve before trying this. And don’t get your hopes up. Warped records love to dash hopes. They’re evil in that way.

There’s also the oven trick. That involves placing the offending record between two panes of glass, heating it on low for thirty minutes, taking it out, and letting it cool down with something weighted on top. Again – a miracle might occur, but I’m not sure I’d want to put that record back on my turntable. There’s the danger of groove melt and, if the record and the panes of glass weren’t spotless, you might bake a speck of some unwanted something into it. I did when I attempted this trick with Eliminator, and that something appeared out of nowhere during the baking process. I think the devil put it there.

There are also tricks like placing a record between hot tiles (again with something weighted on top). I was too bored at that point to read on, so I’m not sure where you get the hot tiles. A flooring store? If they even sell tiles separately, in which case they probably cost as much as buying a replacement record. As I said, I was too tired to read on. It’s essentially an altered version of the “glass sandwich”.

Enter The Machine

I mentioned a method I haven’t tried. It’s called “Vinyl Flat” and sells for around $139 (US). I suppose if I had a truckload of warped records I simply had to fix, I might try it. But, at one hour or more per record (as per the Vinyl Flat instructions), that truckload would take a very long time. I found this one review on YouTube. It is well worth checking out if you want to consider it.

Then there’s the true flattening machine called the “Orb”. Think waffle press without the waffle ridges. From what I understand, after four hours or so in this machine, it will fix warps caused by pressing or storage issues. It won’t repair excessive heat damage. I’m unsure if it would have done anything for my ZZ Top record. For $1600 (US), I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

My Recommendation?

I certainly can’t give advice on something I haven’t tried. The jury on the Vinyl Flat and the Orb is still out. If you’ve tried either one, let me know your results. As far as everything else, they might be fun experiments if you have the time. If not, I recommend saving your time (and money) and replacing the warped record.